I am so aware, always, of how men act. How 'the lads' are. The way we have an innate privilege, perhaps always have, the way men can get away with murder. I am so conscious of how I act, my place in this. I make a point to be non-aggressive, to be calm, to be unruffled. I could not live with myself to know that somebody saw me as unsafe. The fact that this is an uncommon attitude astounds me, because it should be human nature to want to be seen as someone safe, and kind. Men should not aspire to be the bare minimum, we should aspire to be genuinely good. That aside - no matter what, I cannot allow myself to have a short fuse.

My friend said to me recently, that she is shocked at how calm I am, always. That she would have lost it long ago. I wasn't sure how to put into words that it would feel like a failure.

I am frustrated. Often. Do not confuse my relaxed attitude for genuine calm. I simply refuse to lower myself to a level wherein I express that, to you, or to anyone. I would like, sometimes, to shout. To raise my voice, to start a fight. Not just with you, but with many people. I truly do not think I could. A side-affect of being raised by a grandmother with a short fuse, of being a ballet dancer growing up, of always being aware of my position in society, of fighting when I was younger with less to lose, and of never wanting to treat anyone in the way I have seen those close to me be treated. This does not make me special, or a good person, and like I said, it truly is the bare minimum. But it's important to understand that this is why I will not fight you. Sometimes, I really do want to. I never will.

I wonder, occasionally, if perhaps some of my relationships would be better with fighting, verbal or otherwise. I used to have a friend I fought. We would scratch, and punch, and bite, and tug, and shout, and at the end of it all we would fall into each other's arms, panting, and we would be calm. I understood, back then, what it was like to be violent. To succumb to those base natures we all likely have to some extent. The years have softened me, now. I do not think I could act in violence unless it was to protect someone. I think this is a good thing. And still, I will not argue with you.

I'm not really sure what the point of telling you this is. I think, perhaps, it was less for you, and more for me. I cannot particularly explain this easily when people ask how I am so calm. This is not really a good explanation either - I know, as do you, that it goes deeper. But, well, I don't think you need to hear that. Some things are better left silent. Unsaid.

Still, I won't fight you. Remember that.